Sunday, February 12, 2012


I bought a new camera lens recently and it's not just one to attach and instantly take great shots, I'm seeing. It's an ultra-wide angle lens, and there are some things that do and those that just don't work. But here a couple I felt did work, especially as these were the last ones I took just before coming down with what I consider the worst flu of my life. Of course, chills and fever, but included were TMJ type pain in my jaw, migraine headaches with the visual auras, and a "spring-is-bursting out all over" kind of viral rash. We're down now to an occasional headache, a low fever, and the rash, which hopefully is going to disappear soon. And I'm back caring about things beyond my own little drama of "life on the couch". And recognizing my incredible lucky fate at having such a loving husband, caring and thoughtful friends along with my family, even from afar.

While I was 'down and out' one particular Netflix movie I saw has stayed with me and left a lasting impression. It deals with death, which is exactly the way I was feeling. The movie is with Brad Pitt and Sean Penn (neither one of my usual favorites, but so well done by both). The plot is about the impact upon the family of a young man who each, especially the mother, asks questions, anguishes, pleads as she tries to grope her way towards understanding and coming to terms with a pain that probably only parents who lose their children first, can comprehend. The film has beautiful photography as it deals with various issues, via flashbacks. Then it shows the destructive nature of a volcano, the re-emergence of life, the coming of nature's growth, the various eons and eras, animals, peoples, shifting sands of life and death in a weird but beautiful flowing dance of the Universe. The various views of life and death.

And that brings me to Abraham Lincoln. He has always been one of my favorite heros.....those sad and forlorn eyes that has seen too much and felt too much. Today, also, would have been my Father's birthday, had he lived. He died back in 1980. All of this somehow ties together in my own mind, but if I sound a little rambling please just chalk it up to my recent flu.

I care very much for the concept of Forgiveness........I believe in it, and try to live it. I realize that it's not always so easy to accomplish......not in the quiet honesty of your own heart. When my father died, I thought that I would be free of the fears and vulnerabilities that I grew up with. I did the best I could to see him over the threshhold of life and death's door, but the truth was that even his last day, I again felt thrust into that awful pit of fear yet again. Over the years I've noticed that whenever I think of him the first thoughts that come to mind are ones of the fear and vulnerability. So.........who is being held hostage to their own unhappy memories?? A few days ago, still thinking a lot about the above movie (The Tree of Life, by the way) and I noticed that I thought about my father and the first memories were of a kinder, warmer and happy nature. Might not seem like much, and I still consider that he mades some very serious mistakes against me, but it's a start, don't you think?? I wish I could be someone who just instantly desires to feel a certain Forgiving........and it happens, because my desire would be so pure. But.......shallow and weak little human being that I am, I look for little baby steps here and there that will hopefully bring me back to that beautiful Peace and innocence, unafraid and Forgiving.
I hope in wishing my Father a Happy Birthday, that those beginning new steps have begun.

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